


Daddy Issues

by Sedated



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dark, Lucifer in the Cage, Lucifer's Cage, M/M, Oneshot, Sam in Hell, Samifer - Freeform, Samifer is slowly driving me crazy, it's my obligatory cage fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-21
Updated: 2017-03-21
Packaged: 2018-10-08 16:25:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10390956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sedated/pseuds/Sedated
Summary: When Sam fell. Time spent in the cage is a blur. He isn't sure if it ever really happened.





	

_Take you like a drug,_  
_I taste you on my tongue._  
_You ask me what I'm thinking about,_  
_I'll tell you that I'm thinking about,_  
_Whatever you're thinking about.  
_ _It's crazy what you'd do for a friend._

 _Go ahead and cry little girl,_  
_Nobody does it like you do._  
_I know how much it matters to you,_  
_I know that you got daddy issues.  
_ _(I do too.)_

 _And if you were my little girl,_  
_I'd do whatever I could do,_  
_I'd run away and hide with you,_  
_I love that you got daddy issues,  
_ _And I do too._

 _I'm not entirely here,  
_ _Half of me has disappeared._

-Daddy Issues, The Neighbourhood

* * *

Sam jumped into the pit to save the world, and immediately he knew it was a mistake. Michael grabbed him to try to stop him, to try to save Lucifer, but he only fell too. The darkness was like a vacuum. Sam could see the light from the surface for only an instant before it closed, and he was falling. He was never going to see Dean, or earth, ever again.

Michael fell too, but the distance between them must have been too much. It was as if he vanished.

He fell so long he could twist in the space, he could feel the air rip itself from his lungs like it belonged on another plane of existence. He could feel Lucifer screaming inside. Pure, unadulterated, angelic fury. It was a sort of nightmare. The useless beating of wings against a huge force of gravity. Light and dark, both blinding.

He couldn't tell if it was him or Lucifer in control of his body as he desperately fought the fall.

Sam was pretty sure his eyes burnt out from the light. He could feel blood tracking down his cheeks and only residual pain where his eyes used to be.

For once, falling felt more like being pulled by an unseen force. Stretched. The weight pulled from one end to the other, and swirled, making him lose form every second.

Pain, an emotion he wasn't even sure was his own, so complete it made him sick.

Somewhere on the way down, Lucifer was ripped from inside him, the act excruciating and leaving him feeling like his torso had been dipped in lava and cut open to release primordial force and energy. He was empty.

He was dead.

He figured that out when the bodily sensations changed. He couldn't feel the blood or the vomit. He felt pain occur and reoccur over body parts he was sure he had lost. He could feel the pull of gravity get stronger as they fell through hell. Lucifer was separate again, he couldn't feel or hear his thoughts anymore.

They were falling together. Lucifer had stopped beating his wings. Maybe they had frozen. It seemed silly, for all that light and energy to be impacted by something as silly as freezing temperatures.

It got colder as they fell. Sam was reaching out his hands, bracing for impact, because he knew it had to end soon.

And he felt a hand close around his, pulling him closer in the dark fall. A thrill of terror shot through his soul's body. Lucifer would spend the rest of their eternity knowing Sam had put them in there together.

The bright wings closed around him, and Sam closed his eyes to hide from the light. He could feel lips against the top of his hair, and arms around him.

When they hit the ground, Sam felt like he'd been shot with a missile while wearing a protective vest. He felt like everything broke at once, and was thankful he'd lost his body on the way down. There was a sound like a metal cage slamming closed.

The arms around him were unmoving for a moment, and it was warm. Almost hot. When Sam opened his eyes, the light was fading out of the wings in front of them. He could see a vague outline fading into dark. He heard them flutter away, and when they moved from around him, Sam was greeted by cold so fierce that it burned his soul. He missed the arms around him.

Sam breathed hard even though he didn't need to. He sat up, finding it hard to sort out direction.

"I've never been in here with someone else, I'm not sure how that works," Lucifer's voice was startling, and it was then Sam realized he had felt his eardrums burst from pressure on the way down.

He really was dead.

"I wonder where Michael is," Lucifer continued, a hand closed around Sam's forearm, tight enough to bruise. "Have you thought about Dean yet, Sam? I always told you how much we had in common. I had hoped we might not share this place." His voice was closer, against Sam's ear as he spoke.

Sam was frozen. He could hardly think.

"But here we are," the words were said carefully, and Sam could feel his warm breath against his skin. "Just you and me."

That was the last instant he remembered being spoken to, or remembered how to form memories.

There was fire and blood, fire that burned his skin but never killed him, knives that dug into his skin and drew intricate symbols, some of the tools dull, some sharp. He wasn't sure how long it went on, and after a while, he lost sense of time. He knew it hurt, he knew it never ended, and he knew he was blind. He shut down because screaming didn't accomplish anything.

There was a time when it all came to an end and Sam fell to his knees on a hard floor, blood running down his arms and the back of his neck, sticking into his short hair, dripping off his forehead. It didn't make sense how he bled so much when it was so cold. He was so happy the fire on his skin was gone he almost cried. He hated the constant burning.

"I'm sorry," was said, from somewhere above him, the voice sounding genuine and scared. "Don't leave." The tone changed to angry and demanding. "Why?"

Sam didn't think the last question was for him, so he didn't answer.

Then there were arms wrapped around him again, for Sam's senses, it felt like the first human contact he'd had in years, even if it wasn't human at all. He shook and felt the arms around him tighten comfortingly.

 _Relief_. He was relieved.

He'd thought for so long that his life on earth had been bad, but he was coming to realize how much he had taken for granted. The moments he was free of pain. Dean. The grass and sky. Air. Being alive. He knew if he ever made it out, he wouldn't be able to think of things the same way.

But he knew he'd never make it out entirely. He could feel it in the weight of the archangel's wings around him. Even if he did get out, pieces of him were ripped and strewn across the cage. He knew those pieces didn't come back.

* * *

There was time where neither of them spoke. Lucifer would reach out to him occasionally, to check he was still there. Sam tried to sleep but he found that he couldn't. Souls didn't sleep. He was never hungry but he found himself thinking about food in the emptiness.

It never got lonely anymore with Lucifer nearby. The torture became a distant memory when what felt like years passed. It didn't really matter how much time passed when he was in such a strange place. It wasn't earth and it wasn't hell, he knew that much. He found he didn't think much anymore. Not unless Lucifer touched him. He thought for a while then, before sinking back into the nothingness, nearly losing himself.

Lucifer would call out to Michael when he imagined sounds and became angry when nothing happened. Sam kept his distance because he didn't want anything to do with the archangel when he got angry. Sometimes Sam hallucinated too, but he didn't respond to it because he knew he couldn't distinguish reality from wherever he was. He figured it must be easier for a human to understand his mind playing tricks on him than it was for an archangel.

"Sam," Lucifer's voice made Sam jump to his feet in the dark, and he was shocked to realize he could still move after sitting for so long. "Come here."

Sam moved closer to the voice obligingly, not sure what bad could come of it. It had to be better than losing himself to whatever entity surrounded them, slowly draining the life out of his waning soul.

He felt hands pull him back down against what seemed to be a human body. For the first time in a long time, he could see, and it took his breath away when he found himself looking into the face of Lucifer's previous vessel. Admittedly, it was how he pictured him. Blue eyes, blond hair. The expression was off and full of pain. Genuine pain.

"Talk to me," Lucifer said quietly.

"What about?" Sam was surprised to find he still knew how to speak. It had been so long.

"Anything, Sam, please."

Sam nodded, and couldn't stop staring into the blue eyes. It was all he had seen in an eternity. They were beautiful. He loved the colors. He loved the light, he found it didn't hurt to see it anymore, even though he thought it must be emanating from the angel's wings.

"Why did you protect me when we fell?" he asked finally, remembering the fall with no problems, despite the amount of time it felt like had passed.

"I didn't want to be alone," Lucifer said. "I wanted you to suffer with me. Besides, I'm drawn to you, Sam. It's how I was made. I couldn't let anything happen to you. It's hardwired."

Sam frowned and wasn't sure how to respond.

"How do you feel about me, now, Sam?" Lucifer asked slowly, eyes turned upward. Sam followed his gaze and saw nothing but blackness.

"I'm not sure," Sam admitted hoarsely, moving closer, because he was afraid the angel might vanish again, for another unknowable amount of years. "Differently."

Lucifer nodded and looked back into his green eyes, his expression soft as he moved in closer, hovering just a few inches away. He rested a hand on Sam's knee.

"This place does the most unexpected things, doesn't it?" the archangel asked, his breath ghosting over Sam's lips. Sam felt his nonexistent heart beat against his chest, and he swallowed hard, shaking as he moved closer to press his lips to the angel's.

"Yeah," he said as he pulled away, voice trembling as he repressed a laugh.

Lucifer looked surprised but the expression was so fleeting that Sam would think he imagined it, because it made more sense than the sudden intensity with which Lucifer surged forward, pressing a hot open-mouthed kiss against his neck and groaning as Sam's hands wound their way into his hair.

He didn't feel so hollow and empty anymore, he decided.

* * *

Love was a weird thing. Sam had a hard time sorting out love from need. He needed Lucifer to keep himself sane, to keep himself together. Could you love something you needed? He felt like love was supposed to be organic and entirely other. The kind of thing he felt there, born from a need to keep from sinking into nothingness in that other plane, it couldn't be anything like love was on earth.

He felt as though the amount of time he had spent with Lucifer had definitely surpassed the amount of time he had lived on earth, and that was terrifying. He would probably forget what living was like entirely one day.

His hands shook as kisses were pressed up the side of his neck and down his jaw, lips resting at his chin and blue eyes drawing his green eyes down.

"What's wrong?" Lucifer asked.

Sam shook his head and the archangel spread out his wings, light filtering into the empty space around them. Sam looked down at his hands and was grateful he could see them. He wasn't sure what Lucifer got from their interactions. He knew what he got from sex, affection, conversation, and touch. He knew what he enjoyed about the light and the vision, but he was human. What did an archangel even need?

"Sam, talk," Lucifer suggested, more gentle than usual.

"Why are you doing this?" Sam asked finally with some effort. He looked up through brown bangs that never grew. He was frozen in a state that never changed. He felt, but everything was the same. Feeling was nothing more than an illusion anymore. Souls were weird.

Lucifer looked surprised at the question and inhaled suddenly. He thought for a moment. "Enjoyment," he said, and seemed pleased with the answer. He smiled.

Sam mimicked the action.

"I have no power here," Lucifer continued. "Rather, nothing to use it on. We're surrounded by nothing. You, Sam, make me feel like I still exist. If I have to be trapped in here, then I will take whatever I get." His blue eyes looked hollow. "I've lost myself in here before. With you, I don't."

Sam shivered, the description all too similar to his own.

"How long has it been?" Sam asked quietly, sighing as fingertips traced shapes he couldn't name over his palm again and again.

"I don't know, Sam."

* * *

Sam still felt things, like happiness, loneliness, anger, sadness. They were just different. Maybe more fleeting. Feeling was different where they were. They only had each other. Michael never came back. Lucifer thought maybe he had died during the fall; it wasn't impossible. He wasn't sure how big the cage was. There didn't seem to be an end. Infinite space in all directions.

He felt comfortable just then, and it might have been the scariest feeling of all. Lucifer talked to him, and Sam listened. Sometimes Sam talked and Lucifer listened. He didn't have as much to say anymore, though, so he left most of the talking to the archangel.

Sometimes he wondered what kind of damage it did to his soul to be so close to Lucifer, without a vessel to protect him, for so long. It had to damage his soul, if the way it had blinded him at first was anything to go off of.

He had accepted he was never leaving, that he would be there forever.

He was tired in a way that was purely mental. Lucifer was sitting on the floor of the cage, looking up at him. Sam thought for a second before he laid down and rested his head in the archangel's lap, eyes drifting closed. When he closed his eyes, he could pretend that was why everything was dark.

A hand fiddled with his hair, a hum emanating from the blond angel. "You're special, Sam. I think a normal human soul would have disintegrated after this long," he said and pushed Sam's bangs out of his face playfully.

"Oh, thanks," Sam huffed sarcastically, enjoying the feeling of fingers scraping over his skin.

Lucifer leaned over and pressed his lips to Sam's forehead, inhaling. Sam shivered and opened tired green eyes beneath heavy dark lashes. Lucifer looked into them quietly, appreciating, mesmerized.

"What's your favorite weather?" Sam asked. He liked to think about the earth. He missed it. He didn't let himself think about Dean, because it only made him sad. Lucifer didn't like when he was sad.

"Sunshine," Lucifer replied simply, and smiled with a proud expression as he drew himself up again. "I'm the Morning Star for a reason."

Sam laughed, rolled onto his side, and pressed his chin against the guy's knee. "That's a strange answer for you."

"Am I supposed to like hurricanes or something?" Lucifer asked curiously.

Sam shrugged one shoulder and closed his eyes again. "I like the rain," he said.

"That's depressing."

"Gee, sorry," Sam said dryly, and pushed himself upright, both hands pressed to the cold floor as he looked into Lucifer's tired blue eyes. "How are you holding up?"

"Hmm," Lucifer responded. "Are you worried about me?" he asked, eyes glittering with amusement.

"Forget I said anything," Sam said, shaking his head and laughing under his breath.

"I imagine I'm doing better than you right now. I know something that would make me feel better, though," Lucifer said in a rougher voice. Sam looked up sharply, heart speeding in his chest, breath catching in his lungs. Lucifer moved closer, and Sam shivered because his hands were so much warmer than the air around them.

"Yeah?" Sam asked as the blond scraped his knuckles gently over his cheek, moving in closer, lips hovering only inches away.

Lucifer pressed his mouth against Sam's in a startlingly gentle kiss, his fingertips trailing from his cheek down to his elbow, which he used to pull Sam closer, until he was flush against him.

Sam was past feeling guilty for the things that made him feel better.

* * *

Their days continued, more or less the same, for what had to have been years. Sam didn't blame Dean for being unable to get him out, but he was scared when he felt him becoming a more distant memory. It was as if this alternate universe had made an entirely new Sam. One who needed Lucifer. Lucifer was different too, but Sam didn't think he'd really changed. Just that he'd stopped pretending so much.

Sam wasn't sure who he was anymore. The memories of life were more solid than the ones after death, but so much fewer. The thought of living again was almost frightening. He wasn't sure what he would do without Lucifer next to him anymore. He'd become dependent on the archangel. He didn't think his psyche could handle a world without him. He'd gotten over the feeling of guilt for that years ago. He'd had to forgive himself eventually.

Lucifer wasn't bad. He kept him warm when he was cold. It could be bitterly cold in the pit. He talked to him when he was lonely. He made him laugh when he felt hopeless. He kept him from falling. He gave him light in the empty, infinite universe. It was impossible for him not to appreciate the archangel, and their seemingly neverending similarities. He was never judged, just understood.

"What are you thinking about?" Lucifer asked curiously, his voice startling Sam from behind as warm arms wrapped around his midriff and lips pressed against his neck.

"Everything," Sam said, a little breathless.

"Word of advice: _don't_ ," Lucifer whispered into his ear, the act followed by a low chuckle.

There was a shift in the atmosphere, and Sam tensed because he was used to that happening when Lucifer got upset. This time, there was a pause, and Lucifer held on to him tighter. Something was wrong.

Somewhere, _a door opened_.

Lucifer was silent, his entire body tense like a dog on edge. Sam moved away from him, eyes turned to the neverending dark sky, a feeling of anticipation quivering in his chest.

A feeling like _death_ swept over the entire, infinite universe. It was an eerie feeling. The cold leaked out and it was suddenly hotter than when his lungs had been on fire. If he had been capable of falling unconscious, he would have. Lucifer moved closer to him, but it was too late and his hand passed through Sam's outstretched one like Sam was a ghost.

Darkness swept over him all too suddenly, and then he was flying like he was strapped to a comet. He couldn't scream because the breath was knocked out of his lungs, and he knew Lucifer wasn't with him anymore because something felt _so wrong_.

There was a blinding flash of light, then pain that went on for only a few agonizing minutes, not dissimilar to torture. His soul felt like it was covered in third-degree burns and being squeezed into an uncomfortable hug. He fell unconscious from the pain.

He slept for the first time in a very long time. In a bed, on earth, his heart beating again.


End file.
